I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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