apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
