youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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