i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
