oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
