I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
