Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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