Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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