cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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