Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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