saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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