We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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