Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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