i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
