I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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