At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
