the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
