My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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