I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
