Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
