You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize