When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
