Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize