yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
