I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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