worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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