I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
