I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
