I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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