Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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