So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
