addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
