i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You were trust falling into bushes
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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