I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
