if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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