Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
