This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
