It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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