you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
