just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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