nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize