I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
