her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
