I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
