Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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