I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I think I just sharted jello shots
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
