peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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