you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
