Plan B is the new Plan A
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
