My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
