In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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