Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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