I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I will be naked everywhere
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
