My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
