Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
