I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
