how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
