i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
this beer tastes like vomit already
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize