drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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