i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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