im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
How does one acquire holy water?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
