Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
