we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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