I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
